From 2010 to 2014 Richard Cobbett (opens in a new tab) Wrote Crapshoot, a column about rolling the dice to bring random games back into the light. This week, a seasonal game that teaches the world that it is better to give than to receive. At least when you’re talking about fatal injuries.
I’ve never seen Die Hard. Sorry. I saw the third one on a plane once, though I don’t remember much of the plot, except for a bit where Bruce Willis wears a sign proclaiming his distaste for everyone and that guy who rudely announced that he already had an excess of snakes on board his plane Monday through Friday was not impressed.
I guess Die Hard is good because it has Alan Rickman and it’s not Alice in Wonderland. Beyond that, I only know three things. First, this is an educational story about the importance of shoes. Second, it is directly responsible for Hudson Hook. Third, this is about Bruce Willis killing thieves in a tower, not actually a tragic story of a Welshman who expired from a massive Viagra overdose.
Oh, and for some reason it has become as synonymous with Christmas as the Snowman, Scrooge and the disappointment of missing batteries. Actually, it was on the second day. Too bad I was busy playing the video game instead of watching it.
While it’s not exactly a Christmas game, unless your idea of ​​seasonal generosity is “balls for everyone,” Die Hard is one of the few that sticks out. There are a few more directly related, like Spud, an adventure where you play Santa’s grandson, and some holiday releases like Jazz Jarbit: Holiday Bunny (opens in a new tab)But they are mostly forgotten.
Oddly enough, that also seems to have been the fate of this game from 1989. Is it any good? In a word: no. In seven words: no, no, no, lol, nin, uh-uh, Cusinart. However, he is surprisingly advanced for his time; A real-time 3D action adventure that was clearly built from the ground up to replicate the film as much as possible, give or take an inability to license Bruce Willis’ face to the title screen.
Compare that to the game NES owners got, two years later…
Suddenly, the problems with the PC version of Die Hard seem a lot more forgivable. And it’s very true to its purpose, not least because it’s hard, and you’ll die. You will die a lot, and not by the sword.
Unsurprisingly, the game expects you’ve seen the movie. Since I didn’t, I have to guess what’s going on. Some random guy pretending to be Bruce Willis is in the bathroom of a large empty office building, presumably on Christmas, when the Metatron from the half sample before two stone idiots showed up to destroy the movie shows up with some morons and takes them all hostage.
In 20 minutes he’ll break the tower’s security and steal his delicious caramel middle, and probably shoot the hostages on the grounds that when you have hostages, it’s a shame not to see if they’re satisfying to open up like. bubble wrap. Bruce Willis has to fight through offices and hallways and conveniently sized vents to stop him, and then it turns out he was a ghost all along.
I think that’s about the gist of it, anyway. Normally, this wouldn’t have mattered, as story and early action adventures were usually fleeting companions at best. However, here they are uncharacteristically intertwined.
The entire game runs on this time limit, with a constant view of how close Professor Snape is to breaking the security in the upper left, a radio for updates on how things are going, and only a handful of enemies. Of course, you only have a handful of bullets, and a distinct lack of bulletproof armor or flav. So that’s a problem. You also can’t save, and have to go through the entire game in one life.
On the plus side, you do get to keep your shoes.
The 3D is actually super impressive for the time, even keeping things simple. For… one second… what is the name of the tower? Tony Plaza naked? Okay, I see no reason to ask that. The offices and corridors of Naked Tony Plaza are very detailed, with ceiling lights, flower pots in the corridors, bulletin boards on the walls and a fair amount of sprite-based animation for Not Bruce to do things like roll, fly his arm. Left and right to shoot rogues, and get into fistfights. Again, remember, 1989.
It also does so quickly and with reasonable fluidity, unlike… well, let’s do a direct comparison. Here’s Castle Master from the following year, using a technology called Freescape, essentially the Crysis of the 8-bit era.
Point to Die Hard, I think. (The engine later made its way to television in the short-lived BBC2 game show Cyber ​​Zone, featuring Craig Charles and About seven actual polygons (opens in a new tab). But I digress.)
Here’s another comparison: Corporation, also from 1990. At the time, it was a very respectable game from the future Tomb Raider creators Core Design. Before Wolfenstein 3D, it has a reasonable claim to be one of the true first-person shooters. There is no doubt that it helped pave the way for both games like System Shock and engines that didn’t suck.
Die Hard looks pretty good now, wouldn’t you say?
As a license, it’s pretty reminiscent of what Bethesda originally did with The Terminator, down to including not being able to get the character of the star. By that I don’t mean it’s a cat and mouse game with a killer robot, but something designed around the needs of the movie.
But it’s a simpler game, and easily covered. Starting in the bathroom, you explore the first floor to take out some randomly placed enemies and look for some key items. With a lighter you can sneak through vents, otherwise Bruce Willis just complains they’re too dark like kind of horses. With cigarettes, you can give yourself cancer…or probably get through some security. With radio, as mentioned, you get updates from who Alan Rickman was actually in love with, like how many security gates are left, and the early shock of finding out that Tony has been killed.
I have no idea who Tony is, though, but… wait! No! No naked Tony! He had so many people yet to show them his penis! Oh, if only his lifestyle revolved around bulletproof vests! or at least…
Huh? naktomy Plaza? Ah. Well, then leave Tony.
Aside from not being able to take much damage, Bruce Willis’ two biggest weaknesses are limited ammo (and the ability to fire just by waving his broken arm around), and fighting like a clawless kitten when he’s out of bullets.
Even so, with a little luck it’s easy to get to the roof, and from the roof down to another floor using the ancient art of sliding down a fire hose. At this point, however, things get much more difficult and random, thanks to many more rogues with guns and no shortage of bugs to help them.
Next, I’m immediately stunned over and over again by an enemy, and the entire game is over long before I get to Hans Gruber’s accent and help reaffirm British actors playing villains in Hollywood movies for the next three decades. So it’s a bit disappointing. Still, I’m pretty sure the initial chunk conveys the general gist. A flawed game, but one that at least tried to be more than just another Sid-scroll.